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12Apr/112

The Defense of Marriage Act is Totally Gay

The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) was passed in 1996 by Bill Clinton. It basically provisions that the Federal Government only recognizes marriages between a man and a woman and that same-sex marriages do not carry their weight outside of their State of origin.

Obama recently declared DOMA as unconstitutional. This means that all bets are off. This means that the national distraction of the gay marriage battle can begin again while the leaders continue to corrupt and bankrupt our country. Oh joy. What it really means is that individual States can no longer use this law to disregard a marriage between same sex partners that was done in another State.

I'm fine with the end of DOMA. I think straghts have fucked up marriage just fine on their own... try defending against them. Half of all marriages in the US end in divorce as it is.

Let's have a look at marriage. Some describe it as a piece of paper. Others see it for the ceremony and the big event. Some see a family or a union. Others see religion and tradition. A few still associate it with romance. The importance of marriage varies from person to person to a spectacular degree. There are as many definitions and meanings for Marriage as there are meanings of the word Love or Stress or Failure or Family.

Few know that marriage is technically still legally binding and recognized simply by declaring you are married and living as such. You can actually just walk outside your door one day with your live-in lover and say, "we're married," and it is so.

Of course, it isn't that easy, is it. There's paperwork. You have to change names and file taxes differently. You have to get bloodwork and licenses and whatnot. The blood they will test for diseases that may be passed along to children as well as for disease and in some cases to make sure you aren't brother and sister so you don't have flipper babies. I can't figure out my own fucking taxes let alone figure it out when there are wife and kids involved.

Marriage is often tied to church and religion - being wed under god and all of that fire and brimstone. Girls dream of the big white wedding gown, the flowers, the invitations, the reception, and so on. Many start planning their weddings from the time they learn what one is as a little girl. Men couldn't give two shits. They start planning their wedding from the moment they wake up on the morning of their wedding day.

The gowns and flowers and showers and parties and decorations and whatnot is all pretty flamboyantly gay really. Check out a Gypsy wedding - turbo gay, but for straights. I've seen plenty of non-traditional weddings too. Maury Povitch or Jerry Springer will have hermaphrodite hooker weddings and trannies tying the knots. It has probably gone a long way toward the devaluation of the institution of marriage in the eyes of the general public.

Remember, the general public watches Fox News and goes to church and hates gay people. Middle America. It also represents everyone else - people who don't have jobs and are able to sit at home all day long watching Jerry Springer.

Gay people need to be distinguished from the general population because it matters how they have sex and with who. It's really fucking important. I don't know why, but it is. They write laws about it all the time. I'm straight and I have a hard time getting even close friends interested in who and what I put my dick in.

The acts performed during gay sex are still illegal in many areas. Many things I do regularly during my straight sex are most definitely illegal. I've never been busted for it though. I've also never been beaten up over it, so my perspective is admittedly going to have to come with a side of salt grain.

I don't think gay sex leads to anything but more gay sex. It seems like some people feel like gay sex leads to sex with animals or relatives or children or furniture (that's a thing). It doesn't. I will always be willing to debate whether or not one can be born gay though. People who get off having sex with balloons weren't born that way, and neither were people who only like fat people or blonds or midgets.

People like what they like and that should be enough... they shouldn't need "born with it" as an excuse. In fact, if they are able to prove with science (and no, I don't think the current scientific studies prove such a thing), then people who don't agree with homosexuality will lobby to get it listed as a genetic defect since our only real function on this earth according to nature is to make more of ourselves, and gay people aren't going to be reproducing anything but orgasms inside each other.

It's just asking for trouble. I think the angle should be "stop caring what I do with my dick (or vagina or mouth)."

A friend of mine (a straight married man) and I argued about the gay marriage thing back during the big Proposition 8 issue in California. I asked him why he was in favor of the gay marriage ban, and he told me it all came down to taxes. He felt like it would open up the door for CEOs of companies to marry each other for tax purposes. We didn't see eye to eye, but I can understand where he was coming from. Roads were made for cars - start allowing people to ride whatever they want on them, and nobody will be going anywhere.

The problem isn't that gay people want to get married. The problem is marriage has too many perks, too many rules, too many laws, too many functions... it's archaic. It needs a reboot.

Marriage needs to be a lot less cool. They need to separate Unions, Weddings, and Marriages into different things. There should be a marriage type that is just for people having kids. There should be a marriage type that is just for people marrying inanimate objects. There should be one for people who love each other and want to live together as a couple "forever."

Gay people should be able to have weddings - big flamboyant parade weddings with horses dressed up as unicorns as ring-bearers. Maybe it just shouldn't mean exactly the same thing as when a man and woman marry... I mean, they aren't exactly a man and a woman. Why should it mean the same thing?

Nothing about gay has anything to do with subversive deviant fetishes or behavior. These things are mutually exclusive. People are just by nature afraid of things that aren't like themselves. Fear comes from ignorance. This is very basic and fundamental.

Part of me feels like anyone should be able to do whatever they want and "who gives a fuck." The other part of me feels like we should require people to apply to get a license to have a child together after a review period of their relationship and their income and health profiles. The older I get though, the less I care about what other people do. I rarely look at the news anymore. I also have a life-long appreciation for chaos.

I value my personal freedoms - the fact that I tend to walk the line rather than color outside of them doesn't speak to that, but with the Patriot Act and the shit you have to go through at the airport now, I'm definitely a fan of freedom and I can feel us losing a little bit of it every single day. We simply give it up willingly. It's disturbing to me. Perhaps that's why I fight for the little things and take stands that would seem silly to other people.

Bottom line is - I get it. I wouldn't want anyone telling me what I can or can't do or who I can or can't do it with - it would just make me want to do the opposite. I'd say, "fuck that!" and do what I want whether anyone recognized it or not.

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11Apr/112

How to Fart on a Date

Women already know how to fart on a date. They are experts at stealthy date farting. Every woman out there could probably write a book on it. Men on the other hand, need some coaching.

If you have to fart while on a date, your best bet is to head to the bathroom and release. If you hold it in, you could die. This is a medical fact. Holding in a fart causes death. Google it. If you don't have the opportunity to excuse yourself to the bathroom, you may have to slip a fart in discreetly. This handy guide will help you do so.

Some women will laugh at your farts and be good sports about it, but the truth is they find it pretty gross.

When you first pick her up, you might be a bit nervous - especially if it's a first date. A fart now would definitely be a damper on the evening. Go inside and talk to the parents or roommates or to pet the cat or dog and whatnot. It's possible to relieve pressure by excusing yourself to the bathroom and gas while you're washing your hands or something, but you don't always have this option.

After you leave the house, you may still need to release. If you can't get a moment alone, make one. A good way to do so is to open her car door for her and then close it behind her. This leaves you free to blow ass as you walk around to your side. If it's a long fart, pretend to check your license plate or tire pressure or tie your shoe or something. This gives you the added benefit of looking chivalrous by opening her door.

If you go out to eat, try to choose a place that doesn't serve foods that give you excess gas normally. This should be obvious, but ultimately she may end up making the decision on where to eat. You are usually limited in a place like this to fart in the men's room. Friday nights, men's rooms at restaurants are a fart-fest. It sounds like an orchestra of tubas practicing for a symphony.

After awhile, she'll think you've got a health issue if you excuse yourself to use the bathroom every 5 minutes, so this can't be your go-to all night. As you leave the restaurant, you can say that you forgot to leave an extra tip for the busboy. Fart all the way back to your table while she waits at the door. She will also think you're a generous person. You were generous enough to ruin other diner's dinners. She's half-right.

Later, you might find yourself at a semi-crowded bar or nightclub. It's usually loud enough that farts will go undetected and you're in the clear - unless your farts stink. This is largely going to be determined by what you eat and drink. If your farts smell like rotten beef covered in barf and wrapped in a dirty diaper like a burrito, you will have to get creative.

Tell her you see a friend on the other side of the bar and you want to introduce her - let her walk in front of you and lead her through the crowd by placing your hand at the small of her back. You can crop dust as you walk through the crowd. Your trail of stink will be visible by rows of people holding their noses. You can blameshift your way out of this one by holding your nose and boisterously announcing how you just walked through someone's gross fart and that some people are disgusting to be doing that in public.

If you end up at the movies, this gets a little more tricky. The easiest way is to offer to get her popcorn or drinks or candy or something and fart in the lobby. This is why the lobby of movie theaters stink like farts on Friday nights. She may not want anything and then hand you a box of sweets she smuggled in her purse so you don't have to go get anything while the movie is playing. You could time your farts to explosions if you see an action movie, but if you see a drama or romantic comedy your opportunities won't be as frequent. Movie selection is important. Keep in mind that movie theater seats absorb farts. They were designed to do so.

Finally, you can take her to the beach to a late night beach bonfire. This is the safest place to fart... time your farts with the crashing of the waves to mask the sound... smell shouldn't be a problem since all you will smell is ocean and bonfire and dead fish... why do you think women like long walks on the beach? Think about it.

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2Feb/115

Another Year, Another Birthday Blog

I've been putting this one off. Not writing about it doesn't mean it didn't happen, so I suppose it's time once again to blog about getting older. I turned 37 on Sunday. I spent most of that day in a car on my way back from Vegas. My friend and I took a guy's trip over the weekend.

Las Vegas left me feeling a little sicker and a little poorer. It seemed like we were always really close to fun, but not able to touch it... we walked right up to the glass but could only watch the fun from the other side. It wasn't for lack of trying though. We had every intention of enjoying ourselves. And frankly, we didn't have a bad time. It just wasn't as epic as I had hoped or as it could've been.

Princess Leia PlumpifiedTurning 37 just happened. I didn't really fight it. In fact, I bought some orthopedic shoes that look like a teenager would never wear. Having to reset my entire life sorta put things into perspective. I can't get worked up over aging at the moment. I'm sure it's going to get progressively worse as I approach 40. As I write this, I see Carrie Fisher has gotten old and fat. Princess Leia has been spending too much time at the buffet.

Maybe part of my not feeling as old as I normally do when I get a year older is because my reset has been like a rebirth. I got rid of so many things in the purge. Monday was my last day to go back to the old house before they brought a truck in to trash it all. I didn't bother going. Leaving that house behind was bittersweet. On one hand, I loved that location and was so attached to that house... on the other hand, I was so attached to that house that I never really went anywhere near the end.

This is a new me. I'm supposed to be ready to take on the world.

But I'm not.

I'm still sorta miserable most of the time. I don't really know what to do to fix it. I have tried taking mood meds and exercise. Making more money hasn't helped either. Travel helps I think. I'm going to try to travel more this year. Getting over the whole "getting raped/cancer before getting on a plane" might be a hurdle, but I'll work on it.

Last night a few friends held a small birthday festive at my favorite Mexican food place. It was nice, but it made me think about how I've spent so much time/money collecting things, but not friends. I have managed to be selective with my friendships, but not very good about keeping them alive.

I don't have a green thumb - I can kill a tree as easy as I can kill a lawn. I've demonstrated that time and again. Friendships are the same way - you have to nourish them like you would have to water a plant. Well, I'm shit at this, and it shows. So another thing I'm going to work on this year is friendships.

Finally it comes down to myself. I've let myself go. I went back to old ways with diet and exercise (lack of). I weighed myself in Vegas one night with the fancy scale provided by the hotel we stayed at. It flashed numbers back at me that I dare not repeat... thankfully, when I weighed myself the next morning buck naked (sans socks, shirt, and underwear) and after a pee, my weight dropped about 6 or 7 pounds.

I don't know how I dropped so much. Maybe I released 6 pounds of pee that morning or my shirt and socks weigh 6 pounds. No idea. It did put my mind at ease a bit though. It was still about 30 pounds more than I find an acceptable weight for myself. So the last thing on my list is going to be working on my weight. Diet, gym, sun and happiness. That's the goal.

More change is coming. We'll see where I'm at when I turn 38.

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12Jan/112

Your Zodiac Sign May Have Changed – Realigned

Your Zodiac Sign May Have Changed.

New Zodiac

According to this article in Gawker, I'm a fucking Capricorn now. And Ophiuchus? What the fuck is that supposed to be? It's often referred to as "Serpentarius" (which sounds more legit and less like orifice).

Scorpios are pretty rare now I guess - if you were born on one of the 6 Scorpio days... I'm sure this means tons of sluts are going to have to find a new excuse for their sluttery.

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

* Discarded by the Babylonians because they wanted 12 signs per year.

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13Nov/100

And a Fistful of Meds

Haven't taken my robot pills in awhile. It's been well over a month. The pharmacy keeps calling me to tell me my prescription is ready. I ignore them, but it seems like they're better at getting in touch with me than my mortgage company is. They should team up.

Speaking of mortgages... the bank still hasn't foreclosed on my house. I'm already moved into a new place (a rental house), and they just keep postponing my foreclosure even though I've given up working with them completely. It took them over a year and a half to get my loan modification completed. Due to their stupidity, they ended up getting me disqualified from the Home Affordable Modification program that president "let's just make more money" put together. Once I pointed out their error, they redid the modification in-house and instead of lowering my monthly and making my loan actually affordable, they raised my interest rate, the amount owed, and even my monthly payment was upped by nearly 400 bucks.

Not very affordable.

I ended up just saying "fuck you" and walking away from the house finally. I was upside down on it by over 100k - super annoying since I've lived there for a decade.

Working with the lender has been a nightmare, but now that I've moved out and don't give a shit, they are being extra helpful trying to get me to work it out. They should be - they should've been this whole time - the place looks like I moved out dragging a sledge hammer behind me and then a bunch of crackhead squatters moved in and used it to store their old garbage. I didn't try to leave the place a disaster, but I also wasn't moving out trying to keep it nice and clean for the next owners.

Another side effect of my leaving the old place behind is less stress. I figured it would be a good time to stop taking meds. I figured I don't really need them anymore. So the highs and the lows are starting to come back. My erratic behavior is also returning... you know, the usual - jumping out of moving cars, self sabotage, pushing people away, saying "fuck this" and flipping over tables for no real reason. At the same time though, I've been feeling things... happy being one of them. The last few weeks have been good at work. I've been in a better mood and have been outperforming just about everyone else in my department. I need to stay on top of my game.

I still have shit to do at the new place - unpacking and selling stuff and whatnot. My next mission though is to try and have this ugly pickup truck with a flatbed trailer attached loaded with a port-a-potty permanently parked in front of my new place removed.

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