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11Apr/112

How to Fart on a Date

Women already know how to fart on a date. They are experts at stealthy date farting. Every woman out there could probably write a book on it. Men on the other hand, need some coaching.

If you have to fart while on a date, your best bet is to head to the bathroom and release. If you hold it in, you could die. This is a medical fact. Holding in a fart causes death. Google it. If you don't have the opportunity to excuse yourself to the bathroom, you may have to slip a fart in discreetly. This handy guide will help you do so.

Some women will laugh at your farts and be good sports about it, but the truth is they find it pretty gross.

When you first pick her up, you might be a bit nervous - especially if it's a first date. A fart now would definitely be a damper on the evening. Go inside and talk to the parents or roommates or to pet the cat or dog and whatnot. It's possible to relieve pressure by excusing yourself to the bathroom and gas while you're washing your hands or something, but you don't always have this option.

After you leave the house, you may still need to release. If you can't get a moment alone, make one. A good way to do so is to open her car door for her and then close it behind her. This leaves you free to blow ass as you walk around to your side. If it's a long fart, pretend to check your license plate or tire pressure or tie your shoe or something. This gives you the added benefit of looking chivalrous by opening her door.

If you go out to eat, try to choose a place that doesn't serve foods that give you excess gas normally. This should be obvious, but ultimately she may end up making the decision on where to eat. You are usually limited in a place like this to fart in the men's room. Friday nights, men's rooms at restaurants are a fart-fest. It sounds like an orchestra of tubas practicing for a symphony.

After awhile, she'll think you've got a health issue if you excuse yourself to use the bathroom every 5 minutes, so this can't be your go-to all night. As you leave the restaurant, you can say that you forgot to leave an extra tip for the busboy. Fart all the way back to your table while she waits at the door. She will also think you're a generous person. You were generous enough to ruin other diner's dinners. She's half-right.

Later, you might find yourself at a semi-crowded bar or nightclub. It's usually loud enough that farts will go undetected and you're in the clear - unless your farts stink. This is largely going to be determined by what you eat and drink. If your farts smell like rotten beef covered in barf and wrapped in a dirty diaper like a burrito, you will have to get creative.

Tell her you see a friend on the other side of the bar and you want to introduce her - let her walk in front of you and lead her through the crowd by placing your hand at the small of her back. You can crop dust as you walk through the crowd. Your trail of stink will be visible by rows of people holding their noses. You can blameshift your way out of this one by holding your nose and boisterously announcing how you just walked through someone's gross fart and that some people are disgusting to be doing that in public.

If you end up at the movies, this gets a little more tricky. The easiest way is to offer to get her popcorn or drinks or candy or something and fart in the lobby. This is why the lobby of movie theaters stink like farts on Friday nights. She may not want anything and then hand you a box of sweets she smuggled in her purse so you don't have to go get anything while the movie is playing. You could time your farts to explosions if you see an action movie, but if you see a drama or romantic comedy your opportunities won't be as frequent. Movie selection is important. Keep in mind that movie theater seats absorb farts. They were designed to do so.

Finally, you can take her to the beach to a late night beach bonfire. This is the safest place to fart... time your farts with the crashing of the waves to mask the sound... smell shouldn't be a problem since all you will smell is ocean and bonfire and dead fish... why do you think women like long walks on the beach? Think about it.

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1Mar/111

Yiayia Wisdom

These commercials for Athenos brought lols to my face. Thought I would share.

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11Feb/110

Verizon Releases the iPhone 4 – Apple Store is Mobbed!

This was the scene at the Apple store at The Mall of America in Minnesota this morning. They were clearly expecting crowds. It's pretty sad. Safe to say "Epic Fail" at something like this, but considering this was a record breaking sales day for Verizon, it's difficult to believe.

I live near a few different Apple stores and I have never walked by one that was this empty. I mean, people line up to get into these stores on any average day.

I ended up breaking down and buying an iPhone last year finally after avoiding it for years. I still think it's a shitty phone, but a brilliant device. I would never move to Verizon unless their prices came down to close to what I pay now. I have had AT&T (Cingular) since 2005, but never bought an iPhone until after the iPhone4 had been out for awhile.

Since the first iPhone was released, I kept hearing nothing but rumors and wishes that the device would come to Verizon. Now that it's here, it doesn't seem like anyone really cared that much.

My next phone will probably be a Windows7 Phone.

Here's how everyone sees people with Apple products:

 

"Look at me! I'm an annoying cock!"

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10Feb/110

1up

So a few weeks ago, I wrote about turning thirty-whatever and how I've been mostly miserable. Over the weekend, I took stock and decided to not feel that way anymore. I really couldn't figure out what my problem was anyway. I mean, I had been through all of the bad shit and came out clean more or less. I mean, my credit is crap and I had to sell my car and I still owe tons of money, but none of that is really a big deal.

All of the big scary negative things that could happen to me already happened. My problem was inertia. I was depressed and down on my luck for so long, I kept going down that path even when I didn't have reason to. I just felt like I was supposed to feel shitty.

It's dumb, but I think that's all there is to it.

I figured this out the other night... the GF and I stayed up all night talking about what was wrong with us and it became apparent to us that she kept expecting me to be unhappy and kept trying to treat me like I needed fixing so I kept playing the part. We were enabling each other. It was a sick symbiotic parasitical relationship in which we fed off each other.

It's amazing we figured it out now and managed to keep it together. Usually I don't figure this sort of shit out until after the relationship fails.

It's going to be an adjustment period. She's still trying to ignore me and pretend like she doesn't care so she doesn't put my happiness above hers, and I am apprehensive about feeling happy or sad. We're going to go on an impromptu vacation to reset.

The funny part is that I've written about how to stay happy and fix being unhappy numerous times. I should've gone back and read my old stuff. I'm going to have to work at it a little bit - this "being happy" thing - I'm out of practice.

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5Feb/112

Your Zodiac Sign May Have Changed Yet Again!

Found this on the internet and figured I should let you all know there's been another update to your astrological star chart. I will keep you posted if they change it again.

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5Feb/111

Picture Perfect Wedding

I somehow ended up with my parents' wedding album. They were married on 9/11/1961. They divorced decades later and my father passed away a decade or so after that. It took them a long time to realize they may not have been perfect for each other - to deliberately and wildly understate it.

The photos were taken by my grandmother on my father's side. She was semi-pro at it back when you had to actually know what you were doing in order to even get something that looks halfway decent. She had won awards and produced some amazing photos. Someday I will post some of those if I can dig them up.

I inherited a box full of old photos... lots of magic in that box. I inherited my grandmother's old camera equipment as well and perhaps also her penchant for capturing things on film. I've recently purchased semi-pro digital equipment and I hope to be a fraction as good as she was.

I've always felt like these were amazing photos and that it was a shame nobody would ever really get to see them. Clearly, I wasn't around when these were taken, but it definitely captures a moment... a great moment. This set conjures up the words "classic" and "traditional" for me. My mother looked so beautiful, and my father so handsome. They look happy and in love.

These days, weddings don't often seem to get captured on film quite like this. I guess it's because back then, everything was in black and white. It was also back when weddings were "traditional" and meant something. People stayed married even when they didn't really like each other. It pretty much always had to do with ritual and god and all of that voodoo. Today, not quite so much.

Anyway, I've wanted to share these here for nearly a year now and I'm finally getting around to posting them. Enjoy.

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2Feb/115

Another Year, Another Birthday Blog

I've been putting this one off. Not writing about it doesn't mean it didn't happen, so I suppose it's time once again to blog about getting older. I turned 37 on Sunday. I spent most of that day in a car on my way back from Vegas. My friend and I took a guy's trip over the weekend.

Las Vegas left me feeling a little sicker and a little poorer. It seemed like we were always really close to fun, but not able to touch it... we walked right up to the glass but could only watch the fun from the other side. It wasn't for lack of trying though. We had every intention of enjoying ourselves. And frankly, we didn't have a bad time. It just wasn't as epic as I had hoped or as it could've been.

Princess Leia PlumpifiedTurning 37 just happened. I didn't really fight it. In fact, I bought some orthopedic shoes that look like a teenager would never wear. Having to reset my entire life sorta put things into perspective. I can't get worked up over aging at the moment. I'm sure it's going to get progressively worse as I approach 40. As I write this, I see Carrie Fisher has gotten old and fat. Princess Leia has been spending too much time at the buffet.

Maybe part of my not feeling as old as I normally do when I get a year older is because my reset has been like a rebirth. I got rid of so many things in the purge. Monday was my last day to go back to the old house before they brought a truck in to trash it all. I didn't bother going. Leaving that house behind was bittersweet. On one hand, I loved that location and was so attached to that house... on the other hand, I was so attached to that house that I never really went anywhere near the end.

This is a new me. I'm supposed to be ready to take on the world.

But I'm not.

I'm still sorta miserable most of the time. I don't really know what to do to fix it. I have tried taking mood meds and exercise. Making more money hasn't helped either. Travel helps I think. I'm going to try to travel more this year. Getting over the whole "getting raped/cancer before getting on a plane" might be a hurdle, but I'll work on it.

Last night a few friends held a small birthday festive at my favorite Mexican food place. It was nice, but it made me think about how I've spent so much time/money collecting things, but not friends. I have managed to be selective with my friendships, but not very good about keeping them alive.

I don't have a green thumb - I can kill a tree as easy as I can kill a lawn. I've demonstrated that time and again. Friendships are the same way - you have to nourish them like you would have to water a plant. Well, I'm shit at this, and it shows. So another thing I'm going to work on this year is friendships.

Finally it comes down to myself. I've let myself go. I went back to old ways with diet and exercise (lack of). I weighed myself in Vegas one night with the fancy scale provided by the hotel we stayed at. It flashed numbers back at me that I dare not repeat... thankfully, when I weighed myself the next morning buck naked (sans socks, shirt, and underwear) and after a pee, my weight dropped about 6 or 7 pounds.

I don't know how I dropped so much. Maybe I released 6 pounds of pee that morning or my shirt and socks weigh 6 pounds. No idea. It did put my mind at ease a bit though. It was still about 30 pounds more than I find an acceptable weight for myself. So the last thing on my list is going to be working on my weight. Diet, gym, sun and happiness. That's the goal.

More change is coming. We'll see where I'm at when I turn 38.

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13Jan/110

I Used To Be Fat

Mtv has been trying to "serious" up their programming. They gave up on music a long time ago, but their "reality" tv shows had progressively gotten less and less real. The Real World was very innovative and paved the way for reality tv. It was an amazing achievement and so well done.

Over the years, Mtv reality has devolved into scripted reality about convoluted dating shows, fake car remodels, and silly parent vs kid shows aimed squarely at dumb teenagers. The problem is that teenagers aren't so dumb anymore. Nobody is really dumb anymore - not if you have internet access. You're only as slow as your connection speed.

Lately, Mtv has been releasing more drama-filled shows with more edge and less Xzibit. I'll admit I've been tuning out for years as I'm not their demographic - I'm too old for VH1 now I guess. However, Jersey Shore has pulled me back in - I'm a sucker for trashy reality shows. I'm not gonna lie. It looks like they are adding some scripted dramas too like the remake of Skins.

A recent addition is I Used To Be Fat - a show about fat teenagers who spend their summer between High School and their first day of College working out and dieting with a trainer trying to not be so fat. It's a plight I can identify with as I've struggled with my weight my whole life. At least with my perception of my weight. I've always hovered between lean and about 10-20lbs too heavy.

Right now, I'm around 20-30lbs more than I was when I felt thin and good. I don't really know because I'm afraid to weigh myself... I know my pants are fitting snug. I haven't been to the gym in a good long while and I have been eating crap. It's my fault. I've always had a fairly fast metabolism and could steer clear of being a whale even though I ate like one. I'm getting older and I have to work harder... at least I have to work at it now.

I'm frustrated at these shitty teenagers on this show though because they are so lazy and fat. Teenagers should have the metabolism of field mice. It's good that shows like this exist... it's like Biggest Loser without having to wait an entire season to see results. Instant gratification. Also - this sort of show will possibly shame or provoke kids to be skinnier and more fit.

We need it.

Our government wants to beef us up on corn and expects us to exercise more to cope with it. We're expected to eat better when it costs more to eat less. It's more expensive to eat fewer calories. The reality is we live sedentary lives and consume almost nothing but garbage.

Tonight... I'm eating this bag of Gummi Bears in ironic protest to the government's contribution to the fats of our nation.

This one goes out to the fats and the superfats... omnomnom...

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12Jan/112

Your Zodiac Sign May Have Changed – Realigned

Your Zodiac Sign May Have Changed.

New Zodiac

According to this article in Gawker, I'm a fucking Capricorn now. And Ophiuchus? What the fuck is that supposed to be? It's often referred to as "Serpentarius" (which sounds more legit and less like orifice).

Scorpios are pretty rare now I guess - if you were born on one of the 6 Scorpio days... I'm sure this means tons of sluts are going to have to find a new excuse for their sluttery.

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

* Discarded by the Babylonians because they wanted 12 signs per year.

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11Jan/111

New TV Show Idea…

I think someone should combine the show Hoarders with Extreme Home Makeover... They should go to a hoarder's house and send them off to a spa for a week so they can get to work.

Day one, the crew takes the entire contents of the house and indexes it all and puts it on trucks to be stored in a warehouse while they then move on to step two... demolition. They reduce the now-empty house to rubble and save all of the pieces shipping them all to the same warehouse.

Then it's up to the Extreme Makeover crew to build the crazy cat lady hoarder a brand new habitat. This house is gigantic and spacious with vaulted ceilings and plenty of storage. Flat screen TVs and marble tile in the bathrooms. All-new furniture and a nursery and a game room filled with pinball machines and pool tables. Every stick of furniture is expensive and brand new. All of the fixtures sparkle and shine. There's just one room the camera crews can't see - Ty's special room - it's a surprise only to be shown on reveal day.

Near the end of the week, the crew finishes the build and camera crews take a tour through the house. Then step four - the trucks coming from the warehouse come barreling down the street toward the house and the crew spends the last day filling the house back up with all of the hoarder's belongings. The brand new luxurious house is filled to the rafters with banana peels, empty cans of Yuban, cat feces and dead mice, bags of human excrement from when the hoarder was living without access to toilets for years.

All of the dirt and mud that was collected in the cleanup is brought in by the bucket and dumped all over the floor and on tables and lamps. An entomologist is brought in to scatter insects all over the house. Someone in a lab coat comes in to spray some black mold in the corners of some of the walls. A herd of goats is also brought in to shit and piss on everything as well before all of the hoarder's cats are brought back into the house to get used to the new surroundings.

It's reveal day - MOVE THAT BUS! - the crowd screams. Speechless, the hoarder tentatively walks up to the front door - panic stricken that their stuff is now all gone as the exterior of the house is looking like just a beautiful shell. They open the door and a plume of dust hits the hoarder in the face blowing their tussled mess of hair toward the camera. The camera swings around to see a giant grin mixed with shock and dismay on the face of the hoarder.

They step inside to check out every room. The hoarder now has more space for all of their crap since the house is doubled in size now, and they also have a pile of cat shit to sleep on now. They also have working toilets and showers - even though they are filled with empty tupperware and broken bicycle parts.

Room after room, the hoarder starts to feel more and more as though they are being "Punk'd." Just then, Ty pops up from around a corner and guides the hoarder to his special project room. They open the door and - cut to commercial...

They open the door to reveal that the room is filled with the rubble from the torn down house - drywall reduced to dust, broken toilets, every nail, board, and screw, and even the kitchen sink. Tears stream down the hoarder's face as the camera moves in tight. Child Protective Services takes the hoarder's kids away and Animal Control takes all 89 cats back out of the house. The trucks leave and so does the crowd and crew and all but one camera man, Ty and the hoarder. Ty cunt punches the hoarder and drops the keys to the new house into the pile of shit the hoarder is now doubled over staring at and says "enjoy the new digs, asshole." and leaves.

The final shot is of the house getting smaller in the distance as the remaining crew drives away... we hear the click of a button and in that moment the house explodes into a huge fireball and then from behind a huge fireworks finale lights up the sky and the camera pans up to it...

Fade to black.

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