theomnom.com
22Jul/100

Shitting at Work

You can learn a lot about your co-workers when you all sit on the same throne.

My brothers' bowels brew beastly beefs.

At the place where I work, they have one bathroom for each gender - both are the same size - both are cleaned on regular intervals. Boys outnumber the girls at least 5-1... perhaps even 10-1. It's a bit of a nerdly occupation, and girls don't tend to lean toward the nerdly jobs for some reason.

As a result, the girl's bathroom is probably empty and clean most of the time, while the guy's bathroom is full and disgusting most of the time.

You can learn a lot about your co-workers...

Shit stinks. There's no way around it. I don't think there are many people out there that find feces fascinatingly fragrant. I find it foul. Given the nerdy nature of the job, there are a lot of nerds working here. Men who dress like boys dressing like men and living as boys in men's clothes. Their diets are horrible. Starchy, fatty, carby, cheesy diets. Synthetic flavors and 50% corn and corn syrup and 50% animal fats. As a result, their shits are epically heinous.

I'm not saying I have a great diet or that my shit smells like roses, but I try to balance my bad foods with good foods and I stay away from cheap foods. Even my junk food is healthy. Still, I just think I'm superior to most people - particularly most of the poopers I work with, okay?

And your diet has a lot to do with with the flavor of your excrement. Don't believe me? Try changing your cat's diet for a week. Or try eating nothing but fistfulls of raisins for 24 hours. See if you don't clear a room.

Anyway, the bathroom where I work smells bad. Not the worst bathroom ever, but it's an oppressive haze that weighs heavy in the air. The air is thicker in the restroom. You know that shitty smell? That's poo particles going in your nose and being absorbed by your body. Ewww... Just picture a lot of fat nerds with fast food diets participating in a 24hr poopathon 2010 and you'll start to have an idea. (maybe I should've gone with poopapalooza)

So every time I go to use the toilet, every stall is taken - 5 stalls, 1 bathroom, 300+ people at any given time. Do the math. My choices are to stand around in the shit smelling bathroom and wait for one of them to finish or just reabsorb it into my body. If I could work at 100% efficiency and never have to shit, that would be fantastic. I'm human though, and can't really wait every time.

Today, I tried at two different times to go shit - the first, I only had to wait 3 minutes for a rotund older man to exit his stall... all other stalls seemed to be emptying no time soon (don't ask how I know). I knew it was going to reek, but I tried to brave it anyway rather than wait some more (which would both serve to make me look like a creepy sicko who spent his breaks standing outside of bathroom stalls while people took long shits and also hurt the big guy's tiny feelings).

I enter the stall and a wave of horrible poo particles force their way into my nose. The stench is too much for me to handle, so I just left. I didn't bother waiting any more.

A few hours later, I try again... I enter the bathroom and all stalls are taken again. This time, I give it about 5 minutes before someone finally stands up... I can tell he's standing up to wipe based on nothing but his feet. That's all you can see, you see... the feet under the door.

I don't get people who stand up to wipe. I stay seated - it allows me to get in deep. Plus, if I stood up and then wiped, if there was anything there when I stood up - it would be squeezed between my butt-cheeks - that's no good. Maybe it's just me.

So this guy stands up and flushes... then flushes again... then a third time... continues to stand there - I guess he's staring at the bowl to see that his business isn't going down. After the fourth flush, I just let out a loud sigh of disgust and frustration and left.

I don't always get shut down when I try to shit. I've managed to secure a stall before. As I sit there shitting, I often witness another annoying phenomenon. I can see a shoe under the wall of the stall. I often see shoes facing the wrong way... that is, they use a stall to piss standing up. How microscopic must your penis be that you have to use the stall to pee? And these dirty fucks don't even bother lifting the seat. They just piss all over it.

As a result, I have to wipe the seat down since it's almost always wet. The other day, I went to wipe down the seat and somehow ended up dipping my hand in the bowl. I have no idea how I did it or why. I think I dropped the TP I had pulled to wipe down the seat and for some reason went after it as though I could rescue it and still use it. My head was cloudy from the fumes I'm sure. I misjudged the water level I guess and gave my fingers a dip. Know that I washed my hands like 5 times after that. Also know that the water was clean (that is, there wasn't a giant turd in the bowl at the time).

Finally, the other annoyance is that the fella that cleans the bathrooms several times per day replaces the toilet paper rolls... they are secured by this plastic anti-theft dispenser - no idea why it has to be so complicated since nobody at my work is gonna steal TP - besides, there's stacks of it by the door for easy access. Still, there's a little plastic cage for the tp (possibly to keep the roll dry when dipshits stand up and piss everywhere).

So anyway, this janitor guy puts the roll on wrong - he has them rolling under most of the time rather than over. That's just fucking common sense. It doesn't take a physics major to figure it out.

You can learn a lot about your coworkers.

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