New TV Show Idea…

I think someone should combine the show Hoarders with Extreme Home Makeover... They should go to a hoarder's house and send them off to a spa for a week so they can get to work.

Day one, the crew takes the entire contents of the house and indexes it all and puts it on trucks to be stored in a warehouse while they then move on to step two... demolition. They reduce the now-empty house to rubble and save all of the pieces shipping them all to the same warehouse.

Then it's up to the Extreme Makeover crew to build the crazy cat lady hoarder a brand new habitat. This house is gigantic and spacious with vaulted ceilings and plenty of storage. Flat screen TVs and marble tile in the bathrooms. All-new furniture and a nursery and a game room filled with pinball machines and pool tables. Every stick of furniture is expensive and brand new. All of the fixtures sparkle and shine. There's just one room the camera crews can't see - Ty's special room - it's a surprise only to be shown on reveal day.

Near the end of the week, the crew finishes the build and camera crews take a tour through the house. Then step four - the trucks coming from the warehouse come barreling down the street toward the house and the crew spends the last day filling the house back up with all of the hoarder's belongings. The brand new luxurious house is filled to the rafters with banana peels, empty cans of Yuban, cat feces and dead mice, bags of human excrement from when the hoarder was living without access to toilets for years.

All of the dirt and mud that was collected in the cleanup is brought in by the bucket and dumped all over the floor and on tables and lamps. An entomologist is brought in to scatter insects all over the house. Someone in a lab coat comes in to spray some black mold in the corners of some of the walls. A herd of goats is also brought in to shit and piss on everything as well before all of the hoarder's cats are brought back into the house to get used to the new surroundings.

It's reveal day - MOVE THAT BUS! - the crowd screams. Speechless, the hoarder tentatively walks up to the front door - panic stricken that their stuff is now all gone as the exterior of the house is looking like just a beautiful shell. They open the door and a plume of dust hits the hoarder in the face blowing their tussled mess of hair toward the camera. The camera swings around to see a giant grin mixed with shock and dismay on the face of the hoarder.

They step inside to check out every room. The hoarder now has more space for all of their crap since the house is doubled in size now, and they also have a pile of cat shit to sleep on now. They also have working toilets and showers - even though they are filled with empty tupperware and broken bicycle parts.

Room after room, the hoarder starts to feel more and more as though they are being "Punk'd." Just then, Ty pops up from around a corner and guides the hoarder to his special project room. They open the door and - cut to commercial...

They open the door to reveal that the room is filled with the rubble from the torn down house - drywall reduced to dust, broken toilets, every nail, board, and screw, and even the kitchen sink. Tears stream down the hoarder's face as the camera moves in tight. Child Protective Services takes the hoarder's kids away and Animal Control takes all 89 cats back out of the house. The trucks leave and so does the crowd and crew and all but one camera man, Ty and the hoarder. Ty cunt punches the hoarder and drops the keys to the new house into the pile of shit the hoarder is now doubled over staring at and says "enjoy the new digs, asshole." and leaves.

The final shot is of the house getting smaller in the distance as the remaining crew drives away... we hear the click of a button and in that moment the house explodes into a huge fireball and then from behind a huge fireworks finale lights up the sky and the camera pans up to it...

Fade to black.

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  1. Wow, that’s insane, seems to play out more like a suspenseful movie. Did you see the Hoarders with the inbred family with the old mother with rooms and trailers filled the caged poultry? That was scariest fucking thing I’d seen all year, I had nightmares.
    Keep up the blogs, you are fighting the good fight, facebook stifles any amount of creativity like this and is just a breeding ground for attention whores.

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