So a few weeks ago, I wrote about turning thirty-whatever and how I've been mostly miserable. Over the weekend, I took stock and decided to not feel that way anymore. I really couldn't figure out what my problem was anyway. I mean, I had been through all of the bad shit and came out clean more or less. I mean, my credit is crap and I had to sell my car and I still owe tons of money, but none of that is really a big deal.
All of the big scary negative things that could happen to me already happened. My problem was inertia. I was depressed and down on my luck for so long, I kept going down that path even when I didn't have reason to. I just felt like I was supposed to feel shitty.
It's dumb, but I think that's all there is to it.
I figured this out the other night... the GF and I stayed up all night talking about what was wrong with us and it became apparent to us that she kept expecting me to be unhappy and kept trying to treat me like I needed fixing so I kept playing the part. We were enabling each other. It was a sick symbiotic parasitical relationship in which we fed off each other.
It's amazing we figured it out now and managed to keep it together. Usually I don't figure this sort of shit out until after the relationship fails.
It's going to be an adjustment period. She's still trying to ignore me and pretend like she doesn't care so she doesn't put my happiness above hers, and I am apprehensive about feeling happy or sad. We're going to go on an impromptu vacation to reset.
The funny part is that I've written about how to stay happy and fix being unhappy numerous times. I should've gone back and read my old stuff. I'm going to have to work at it a little bit - this "being happy" thing - I'm out of practice.