How to Fart on a Date

Women already know how to fart on a date. They are experts at stealthy date farting. Every woman out there could probably write a book on it. Men on the other hand, need some coaching.

If you have to fart while on a date, your best bet is to head to the bathroom and release. If you hold it in, you could die. This is a medical fact. Holding in a fart causes death. Google it. If you don't have the opportunity to excuse yourself to the bathroom, you may have to slip a fart in discreetly. This handy guide will help you do so.

Some women will laugh at your farts and be good sports about it, but the truth is they find it pretty gross.

When you first pick her up, you might be a bit nervous - especially if it's a first date. A fart now would definitely be a damper on the evening. Go inside and talk to the parents or roommates or to pet the cat or dog and whatnot. It's possible to relieve pressure by excusing yourself to the bathroom and gas while you're washing your hands or something, but you don't always have this option.

After you leave the house, you may still need to release. If you can't get a moment alone, make one. A good way to do so is to open her car door for her and then close it behind her. This leaves you free to blow ass as you walk around to your side. If it's a long fart, pretend to check your license plate or tire pressure or tie your shoe or something. This gives you the added benefit of looking chivalrous by opening her door.

If you go out to eat, try to choose a place that doesn't serve foods that give you excess gas normally. This should be obvious, but ultimately she may end up making the decision on where to eat. You are usually limited in a place like this to fart in the men's room. Friday nights, men's rooms at restaurants are a fart-fest. It sounds like an orchestra of tubas practicing for a symphony.

After awhile, she'll think you've got a health issue if you excuse yourself to use the bathroom every 5 minutes, so this can't be your go-to all night. As you leave the restaurant, you can say that you forgot to leave an extra tip for the busboy. Fart all the way back to your table while she waits at the door. She will also think you're a generous person. You were generous enough to ruin other diner's dinners. She's half-right.

Later, you might find yourself at a semi-crowded bar or nightclub. It's usually loud enough that farts will go undetected and you're in the clear - unless your farts stink. This is largely going to be determined by what you eat and drink. If your farts smell like rotten beef covered in barf and wrapped in a dirty diaper like a burrito, you will have to get creative.

Tell her you see a friend on the other side of the bar and you want to introduce her - let her walk in front of you and lead her through the crowd by placing your hand at the small of her back. You can crop dust as you walk through the crowd. Your trail of stink will be visible by rows of people holding their noses. You can blameshift your way out of this one by holding your nose and boisterously announcing how you just walked through someone's gross fart and that some people are disgusting to be doing that in public.

If you end up at the movies, this gets a little more tricky. The easiest way is to offer to get her popcorn or drinks or candy or something and fart in the lobby. This is why the lobby of movie theaters stink like farts on Friday nights. She may not want anything and then hand you a box of sweets she smuggled in her purse so you don't have to go get anything while the movie is playing. You could time your farts to explosions if you see an action movie, but if you see a drama or romantic comedy your opportunities won't be as frequent. Movie selection is important. Keep in mind that movie theater seats absorb farts. They were designed to do so.

Finally, you can take her to the beach to a late night beach bonfire. This is the safest place to fart... time your farts with the crashing of the waves to mask the sound... smell shouldn't be a problem since all you will smell is ocean and bonfire and dead fish... why do you think women like long walks on the beach? Think about it.

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  1. hahaa

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  2. Brilliant!

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