There was a time when I would attack my public internet diary with consistency and enthusiasm. It has been months since my last post, and really years since I've posted much of anything about myself.
Who am I? What am I? Where's my inspiration?
The answers to these questions aren't really coming to me. Might have something to do with me getting an actual job as opposed to running my own business - now I have to consider how the things I say might be scrutinized by my employer should they happen upon this website.
That means, I can't really bitch or complain about work - which takes up about half of my waking life. It would be nice to be able to vent about work frustrations, but it would not look good. I should probably delete all of my old blogs as well considering the amount of soul exposure - they also don't reflect good upon me. I think I leave them there because I figure "well, they already hired me - can't fire me for being crazy a long time ago." Or can they?
Another part of it might just be that I don't really do much of anything terribly exciting or worth reporting. That's not really true though - thinking about it, there are quite a few stories from the past year or two that I would normally have been telling here. I mean, a few stories were perhaps not necessarily suitable for my employers to know about, but for the most part they were fine. That's not it either.
Why am I not writing or creating anymore? I don't write or draw or make music. I haven't been exercising my brain or my body. I've just been indulging. I've just been checking out. Consuming and coasting and generally sucking.
I know I've been writing something though - tweets and reviews of things and random forum chit chat. Nothing terribly creative or inspired. Nothing to keep my skills in tip-top shape.
Even now, I feel like I'm just writing something in hopes that no one sees it. Something to fill space. I feel like I have nothing to say, but I know I have a ton of shit to say. I just don't want to put something out there that will somehow be used against me.
I used to write to a pretty nonspecific small audience of people who were a mixture of strangers and friends - some would shower me with approval and encouragement and others were simply silent apart from adding numbers to the view count. Now, I can't even visualize who I'm writing to. This is a much more public space even though it gets less traffic than my previous home.
I used to write like I was naked - and comfortable being so... like skinny dipping with a huge group of friends and being the first bare ass to hit the water. Everyone would follow suit or laugh along with me. It felt safe and comfortable. I also didn't give a fuck who saw it or what they thought - I was just driven by the occasional encouraging comment.
Now, I feel awkward... like exposing myself here would be like being stripped down to my essence and shoved through a door into a huge auditorium filled with judgmental strangers - all random cynical high school and college kids and everyone I've ever worked with but not spoken to and everyone I've ever felt uncomfortable around - all of them going silent and staring at me... the moment before they all either burst into laughter, cringe in disgust, or ignore me completely stretches into eternity.
I need to write something though. I keep filling this space with text. I suppose I'm just practicing. Sorry this wasn't any good. Look, I'm even apologizing to whoever read this. What's wrong with me? Whatever it is, I know I have to figure it out and fix it. If I'm not improving (or at least maintaining), then I'm devolving - and I don't want that, now do I?
I can see 40 on the horizon, and it isn't a pretty sight.