I've spent the last several (if I'm being honest) years digging myself into a deep hole... I've only recently begun to really work towards actually digging myself out. Looking up toward the opening from the bottom I can see a speck of sky. It makes the destination seem hopeless - the journey daunting.
I've never really had to work too hard (if I'm being honest)... I'll attribute the whole tall/white/relatively intelligent/relatively handsome/from a relatively affluent background for most of it. I'm skilled, talented and clever, but going back to when I was a kid, anyone spending any significant amount of time with me has noted that I'm wasting one or all three of those things.
I've managed to create things though - I've produced books and books worth of disjointed writing, walls worth of art, CDs worth of music, and enough scribbles and crafts in every medium to fill a gallery. Even so, I've yet to make much of myself. Nothing notable really. Nobody of any importance.
Oh, I can puff my chest out and proclaim to be the son of so-and-so or drop names of people I've met and places I've been, but none of it is going to impress anyone. It's not so much that I want to impress anyone as I just want to make an impression. I'd love to be recognized for something. I'd love to be loved. I want attention, but don't want anyone to notice. I love my anonymity, but secretly seek notoriety.
I'm a terrible self-promoter. It feels dirty. I want to be discovered like a hidden gem... like an indie band. I'm a hunter myself, and that's the kind of audience I want. By now, I should be famous or rich for some sort of creation or invention. I'm sure it's arrogant (among other things) to feel superior to most people, but I suppose I often do (if I'm being honest). I also find myself attracted to extraordinary people who make me feel inferior... people who make me feel like a talentless hack.
My insecure arrogance makes me my hardest critic. It also demotivates me to create or especially to self-promote. Either way, it's my fault I'm still nobody.
I find myself in my late 30s looking like I'm in my late 20s and about as far along in life as I should have been in my late teens. I'm not getting any younger, but I keep pressing reset and starting over. I'm still working towards reaching square one... getting good at digging at this point. I've figured out the secret.
The best way to dig yourself out of a hole is to start digging outward... the walls become the floor... the hole becomes wider and less deep. Eventually, you will find yourself standing in a shallow ditch you can simply walk out of. It's easier to walk out of a hole than it is to climb out. I'm all about easy. I don't think life is so much better if it's hard. Come make me a sandwich and I'll tell you all about it.