theomnom.com
6Oct/060

I Nearly Earned Myself a Darwin Award

I don't masturbate enough. I mean - I probably masturbate as many times per year as most guys masturbate in a day or week. Recently I was reminded that masturbating can prevent prostate cancer - that's how my dad died (prostate cancer, not from masturbating) - so I really don't want to get that shit. I also haven't been getting sex, so today I decided it was time I took matters into my own hands.

Now when I masturbate, I pretty much just do it in the shower and use soap. It's got just enough viscosity to be slippery and not quite enough to make it feel good. It's especially uncomfortable once my hands start to get pruney from being in a hot shower. On top of that, it just takes me forever to cum because I'm so uncomfortable and in the shower there's really nothing to fantasize about except a naked 30 something dude masturbating in the shower with his pruney hands covered in soap. It often takes alot of concentration just to get or stay 'into it'... half the time I just give up.

Today I was determined though. It was rough getting started, but I persisted and ended up in a position where my back was against the wall and I was kinda leaning over. My feet kept slipping and I'd have to move them back towards the wall, but it was kinda working. I could see an end to it this time. I picked up the pace, shut my eyes and made some sort of 'oh' face to try and convince myself that this was sexy and awesome.

Just at the peak of my furious beating, my feet slipped out from under me and I completely fell on my ass hitting the tub ledge and my elbow smashing on the shelf on the way down. I hit with such a force that I now can't see very straight. I also knocked over every bottle of shampoo and shaving cream and soap and toothbrushes and razors off the shelves and I either landed on them or they landed on me. I pulled the shower curtain down on top of me as well - rod and all - I'm there with my unit in my hand covered in shower accoutrements with the water hitting me in the face and no curtain to protect me from my cat's judgmental gaze. I went ahead and 'finished' while I was sitting there all damaged and nearly dead.

And this is why I don't masturbate very often.

My ass-bone is bruised, my back is fucked up, my elbow is throbbing and my señor peñor is sore... other than that, I think the worst injury I sustained was to my pride... so I thought I'd share with everyone.

10-7-06 5pm Update: My ass has a ginormous bruise on it. It's black and purple and actually about the size of a baseball (the bruise, not my ass). It's on my upper-left ass cheek right next to the crack and looks horrible and is kinda painful to sit on. I've considered posting a picture of it, but having a picture of my ass on the internet is pretty close to that line that I won't cross.

I haven't pissed any blood, but I think I sat on my nuts cuz they are kinda sore too. My neck feels as though I've had a little bit of whiplash and my head has been kinda cloudy since, but I didn't die in my sleep so I probably won't die from this injury (unless a blood clot from my ass bruise travels to my brain).

I'm glad my pain and misery could be a source of joy for so many. This is what they call "suffering for art" I guess.

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